MOOP!

After my candidate exam, and after I got the results, and after everything else that was going on that week I sat and I processed and I wrote some words in my BehindTheWalls file. I wrote a longer entry there than any other I've written in this particular manifestation, and I feel it's an interesting turning point for my life as a whole. Absolutely not, you can't ask to know more.

Here is a line from the middle of it:

I was not fake. I was there. I was present. I was…what is the opposite of dissociating?

I'm pretty sure now the answer, for me, is dancing. Music: loud, howl along to a voice more powerful than my own, move body, move self, dance. If I am able to dance, and to sing, and to listen, and to pray, and to cast then I am more fully existent than I am at any other moment. Nothing else I do can make the spell-prickles run along my skin and the dark place that is my Self open and bear witness to the universe.

Reference, please, this entry about being a Demigoddex of Dance.

The corollary is that you have never seen me fully present unless you've seen me dance for myself. Despite my Truth that I will dance in subway cars and on rain-soaked streets, I am often more reluctant to do so before friends. Perhaps they will think me odd and it tucks the thing away.

(Perhaps they will think I am seeking attention. I am not performing for them, I am not performing at all. If I am dancing like the opposite-of-dissociating, it's entirely a selfish act.)

Anyways, tonight's playlist, howled along to and moved where permissible while riding my bicycle home on city streets:

Cheshire Kitten, s00j (Still sobbing, not-quite-back from someElsewhere of pain)
Alligator in the House, s00j (And ah, and yes, and this is the correct thing to do and of course I will move as I remount the bicycle it is a tango after all)
Go Away Godboy, s00j (Hail SJ, full of grace)
Glashtyn Shanty, s00j
Cheshire Kitten, again
Never Look Away, Vienna (I want to witness the beauty of your repair)
The Tower, Vienna
Level Up, Vienna (The last lines whispered with a wry grin outside 19 Banks street)
Go Away Godboy, again
Don't Stop Believing, Journey (Starting as I park the bicycle, and finished with me lying back on my own safe little bed)

If you don't think I'm a terrifyingly powerful beast, it's because you've never actually Seen me.

~Sor
MOOP!