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Jan. 16th, 2013 10:48 pmHere are some ways in which I have failed at being an adult this past 24 hours. I played video games for five hours straight, instead of packing for Arisia, or preparing lesson plans, or writing, or cleaning my room, or doing anything actually productive. I curled myself into a tiny ball on the couch and sobbed ugly tears because I can't handle being alone in the house, again. I tried to make dinner, couldn't figure out what, and threw a temper tantrum demanding cold cereal. I gave in to the temper tantrum. I seriously played five fucking hours of Plants vs Zombies, which is a big fuckall zero on the productivity scale since I don't even feel challenged or mellower or happy after doing so.
but
When it was snowing this morning, I reworked my schedule, e-mailed and delayed the meeting I had planned (so I could get there on time). I packed my nice skirt so I could wear my jeans in the weather, found my snow boots, and umbrella, and scarf, and hat, and used all of them while waiting for the bus.
I had the first-ever instance of the students in my class growing silent without me shouting my throat raw, without me talking at all. I had them engaged and working together on group work. I navigated their crises. I talked to other adults when I needed advice, or help. I was polite to the secretary, and to the poor lunch monitors who had to watch them at recess (my first indoor recess; I have redefined hell). I impressed another teacher when she heard me dismissing students by having them solve multiplication problems.
(I learned the proper plural of "crisis")
I was professional at my interview, I asked good questions, I showed enthusiasm. I asked for time to think when I needed it and I came up with good answers. I was dressed correctly (she complimented my sweater --the colour, not cut, but still a good sign). I arrived early (twice as important when one asks for a delay.) I have a follow-up.
...and then I played video games for a while. Cool. It happens sometimes, and if it means we've a headache at the end, well, maybe next time I'll set a timer first. I fed myself something within my means. I brushed my teeth well. I got myself a cup of hot water, to help battle the unusual and inconvenient cold that is my current curse. I settled into bed, and I realized I was far too cold, far more than last year and I went and got my down comforter out from storage and remade the bed with it.
And then I wrote my words, curled up warm and cozy and safe. I'm not perfect (no one is), I'm not adult (so few are), but I'm getting closer. Tomorrow I will pack for Arisia and see my mother and my friends, and maybe even get to Skype with Veronica.
I am better than I think I am, and sometimes I just need to take my chin very firmly and force myself to meet my eyes, and remember the things that are good, that are accomplishments. Force myself to realize those are overwhelmingly more than the things that make me feel the failure. Because when I feel good about myself, it makes it much easier to be steady in the empty house --there is no one here for me to be with (even without talking, just parallel existence is all I want) but that just gives me the opportunity to steal the comfy blanket and not share the bathroom.
I am a wonderful thing sometimes.
~Sor
MOOP!
but
When it was snowing this morning, I reworked my schedule, e-mailed and delayed the meeting I had planned (so I could get there on time). I packed my nice skirt so I could wear my jeans in the weather, found my snow boots, and umbrella, and scarf, and hat, and used all of them while waiting for the bus.
I had the first-ever instance of the students in my class growing silent without me shouting my throat raw, without me talking at all. I had them engaged and working together on group work. I navigated their crises. I talked to other adults when I needed advice, or help. I was polite to the secretary, and to the poor lunch monitors who had to watch them at recess (my first indoor recess; I have redefined hell). I impressed another teacher when she heard me dismissing students by having them solve multiplication problems.
(I learned the proper plural of "crisis")
I was professional at my interview, I asked good questions, I showed enthusiasm. I asked for time to think when I needed it and I came up with good answers. I was dressed correctly (she complimented my sweater --the colour, not cut, but still a good sign). I arrived early (twice as important when one asks for a delay.) I have a follow-up.
...and then I played video games for a while. Cool. It happens sometimes, and if it means we've a headache at the end, well, maybe next time I'll set a timer first. I fed myself something within my means. I brushed my teeth well. I got myself a cup of hot water, to help battle the unusual and inconvenient cold that is my current curse. I settled into bed, and I realized I was far too cold, far more than last year and I went and got my down comforter out from storage and remade the bed with it.
And then I wrote my words, curled up warm and cozy and safe. I'm not perfect (no one is), I'm not adult (so few are), but I'm getting closer. Tomorrow I will pack for Arisia and see my mother and my friends, and maybe even get to Skype with Veronica.
I am better than I think I am, and sometimes I just need to take my chin very firmly and force myself to meet my eyes, and remember the things that are good, that are accomplishments. Force myself to realize those are overwhelmingly more than the things that make me feel the failure. Because when I feel good about myself, it makes it much easier to be steady in the empty house --there is no one here for me to be with (even without talking, just parallel existence is all I want) but that just gives me the opportunity to steal the comfy blanket and not share the bathroom.
I am a wonderful thing sometimes.
~Sor
MOOP!