MOOP!

I don't seem to have ever actually written this story down before, although I tell abridged versions of it relatively often. So here, have the explanation of how I started Scottish Country Dance.

My first semester of college (fall 2007) was a pretty great time. I was making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, and spending a lot of time just wandering around and exploring the world. You don't know what freedom is until you've moved six hundred miles away from home.

One of the people I was spending a fair amount of time with was my friend MagusMarc. He and I had met about three years prior, at Origins, chatted online for a while, lost track of each other, and remet at Balticon '06. From there, we were talking regularly and became pretty good online friends. When I moved to Boston, it turned out that he lived just about a mile away from Lesley. He was my only local geeky friend, and one of my only adult friends, and in general a nice alternative for when the college kids got too immature or mainstream for me.

As it got towards Thanksgiving, my computer was starting to act up a little bit. I assumed nothing too bad was going on, and when Mr Belm picked me up (I stayed the night after Thanksgiving at his place) he offered to run some computerwizardy on Seren¹ for me. The computer proved to be more a challenge than he could endure, and so I left it with him on Sunday --he let me borrow his clamshell² so I'd have a computer for school, and agreed to take Vera off to the mac store.

On Monday, I was out and about with some college friends, when I received the phone call from Dave. Seren's hard drive had self-destructed There was no chance of getting _anything_ off it, and the drive would just have to be replaced.

I was devastated.

I had gotten the laptop at the end of August. I'd been using it exclusively for three straight months, and everything, everything, was gone. All my photos, all my bookmarks, all my college work, all my writing, and most importantly, Behind the Walls version 2.0. My diary.

Since we were in the area, I politely excused myself from Dominik and the twins. I walked to Marc's house, and knocked on the door. "Distract me?" I whimpered, recalling other times when he'd been good enough to give me comfort.

"Well, I'm going dancing soon." he replied, and that made perfect sense to me. I went along with him, to Scottish Country Dance, and had a good enough time of things (despite having the worst possible shoes). And that might have been it. Except.

On Wednesday or so, I got my computer back with a shiny new hard drive, and a surprise external drive (early Christmas gift). I named her Vera Serenfreude, based on Dan and Tho's suggestions. She is a wonderful wonderful beast, and even if she's getting old and cranky, thank god she's managed to get old.

The following weekend, I went home to Maryland. There were several goals for this visit --surprise mom, surprise Veronica, go see Rocky Horror and the LRHS play³. There was also one major thing that happened that hadn't been planned --I broke up with kSatyr, who I had been dating for about ten months at the time.

From noon Sautrday to noon Sunday I spent equal numbers of hours crying and sleeping.

I believe the actual number is something like "three"

BtW 2.1, 2December2007

So Monday I was back in town⁴. and I again show up at Marc's. I tell him what had happened, and I ask. "Distract me?"

From then, it was a tradition. I danced three weeks of December, went home on break, and came back and danced every week after. I kept dancing even after Marc stopped being able to make it, even after he moved away. I've dragged as many friends as I could (and Tricia and Jesse both _stayed_, at least for a little while!) and don't intend to stop. Due to Scottish, I've found two partners, gone to one con, and eaten slices from *way* too many cakes.

It's been four years now. It's one of the things I enjoy most in the world. And while I hate that the impetus had to be a tragedy, because those tragedies led me to dancing, they were absolutely worth it, every bit⁵.

Cheers.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: "Don't you mean Vera?" Keep reading.

2: one of these. I still want one _so bad_. Such a comfortable laptop!

3: Unfortunately the only one I made after I had graduated LRHS. I feel bad about that.

4: And my arrival back in Boston is a different strong memory --the first time my heart ever sang out that I was Home.

5: There are parts of the story that I never tell, but that you might know anyways. SCD, and everything and everyone I've gotten from it? Yeah. Yeah, they're worth that too. Every. Single. Fucking. Bit.

(Apologies to anyone who saw this twice --I had to repost due to crossposting issues)

And I read thoughtstreams from a year and two and three ago.
And I read BehindtheWalls, the first one, the one that coined the term.
And I read secret journals, that I was never meant to find in the first place.
And I read letters that were never meant to be sent
And I read notes that were left on my keyboard

And I talk, to you and you and you. And it doesn't really help. Not right now.

I just feel empty.
I just feel so
frigging
empty.

And I'm doing things off Al's radar. She pays such careful attention, should I cut-scratch-bite-hit myself, she swoops and grabs me and stops me.

But there are more ways to hurt yourself then with knives. There are ways to hurt yourself that don't hurt at all, that shouldn't hurt at all, that only burn because you're a freak.
(Other people are not the only ones who are not to touch my neck. I don't even like it when I touch it myself)

You pull strings tight round your wrist, and cause your hand to tingle from the loss of blood. And then you stop, you release the cord, the chain, whatever it is you have, and let your hand return to normal. Maybe you caused slight indents on your wrist, that fade within moments. Maybe you didn't. You didn't actually hurt yourself, just caused the world to feel different for a little bit.

You're all about making the world feel different for a little bit.

...

And in the middle of the empty and the hate and the lost and alone, she says one beautiful perfect priceless thing, without reason, without warning.

And the stretched thin emptyness, keeping you from doing anything stupid snaps away, and the saltwater starts running down your face. Fucking tears, you've been here before. How long since the last time you cried? Perhaps a week?

Fucking tears.

Maybe it's time to go away for a little while. Take all of who and what you are and bundle it up in a shirt and a robe and a hoodie and a coat and go walk. Walk the paths that you've made familiar, familiar because you hurt sometimes, and when you hurt, you need to leave. You need to go somewhere new.

Were I in Maryland, I would go to my playground. The one I don't bring other people to. Because other people taint memories, and I need a place where all the memories are mine and mine exclusively.

It's interesting to see how hard I have to work to find any given reference to any given thing. It's interesting to see whether I choose to use the reference when I do. For the last paragraph, end it "My 'Das Nonstop-Programm'." A reference that one and only one person will get. Good for him, then.

From Dar Williams* to Clam Chowder* to Dresden Dolls* to Marillion* All the words, all the lyrics are different, all the tones are different, all the moods are exactly the same. Sad and quiet and beautiful and melencholy.

Where to next. They Might be Giants? Where do they make balloons? I suppose.

It's time for me to wrap myself up and leave. May you find happiness where you need it. May I find happiness before I sleep.

BehindtheWalls

*The Christians and the Pagans, Windmills, Sing, Lavender.

Things I hate:

Uhm....................

I'll fill this half up later

Things I don't hate:

Magus, crepes, getting lost and winding up at Tufts (It was awesome.) finding all the props I need, crepes, Ratatoille (okay, that's technically last night), real food (also last night), Geetar Hero (also also last night), walking a lot, churches with "free stuff" to wander through, new shoes, click-screw-nuts, crepes, staying up until five thirty talking to my clone, Veronica, Tho, apples + grapes + brie, and crepes.

Oh, and theatre. Theatre rocks.

And getting lost and winding up at Tufts. Mostly because I found myself staring at the sign for Tufts and going "I'm *where*?" It was cool. I like long walks.

Soyeah. Today and yesterday were both significantly better days. I miss my boyfriend though, since I haven't seen him in a bunch of days and I'm *still* reeeeeeeeeally cuddle-deprived.

~Sor
MOOP!

Blabla, choose 13 names, blabla, answer some questions.

1) artemisfowl2nd
2) ksatyr
3) drama_angel3189
4) werewulf
5) thorog
6) jestingly_yours
7) thru_violets
8) kdsorceress
9) shadowcaptain
10) sonsashi
11) macaroniandtuna
12) marcmagus
13) shield_toad111

( Haha, meme's are totally not equal to what I SHOULD be doing right now. )

Uhmyeah. Now is the time when I should be typing up notes and information for the Lesley University Chaos Club, which I may or may not be starting.

Also, what the fuck does "pompus telks" mean? Because I appear to have written that on my arm as a note for myself for something for the LUCC to do, and it makes NO SENSE AT ALL, OHMAN.

~Sor
MOOP!

By the way, this Ctrl-Alt-Del doesn't even need context to make me giggle

So, I spent a large portion of yesterday on I can has cheezburger, looking at pictures of kitties with funny captions.

(This is because I have no life. I should add that I spent a large portion of yesterday hanging out with cool people as well, and I tye-dyed half of my white socks. So that was good too.)

Some quick links:

For Katters (I should note that Hyde does not approve, but he's so pleased with me at the moment that he isn't bothering to make threatening comments.)

For kSatyr.

For mom especially, but it can really be for all the Alleycats.

For, well, pretty much anyone who I've ever headscritched or who's scritched me. Yep.

Pictures of what I was up to yesterday to show up soon. xkcd post to also show up soon.

~Sor
MOOP!

Firstfirstfirst, slaversbane and jestingly_yours have COMBINED FORCES to create the single greatest comment thread ever. Seriously you two, I kept giggling every time I saw one of you had added another line to it.

Secondly, Kate (Who I have unofficially dubbed Kate Monster, but not actually told her yet) is letting me borrow Maus I&II. Eeee! Plus, we were hanging out at the poster sale that's going on on the quad, and looking at movie posters and stuff and SHE'S HEARD OF SPACED! (She was SO jealous of you, mom, when I told her your Simon Pegg story) She's actually seen more Spaced then I have, but she hasn't heard of Black Books, so I don't have to feel COMPLETELY inadequete.

Thirdly, Dave is amazing because he and Diane took me out to dinner (Hot dogs!), let me do my laundry at their place (instead of having to pay 2.50 a load over here. :P) and helped me to get all of my music onto Seren. So I HAS MUSICS! I can now do things like make playlists with BOTH Assassins albums and stuff.

Fourthly, Keira is awesome because we've actually figured out a way to chat, and she seems to have designated herself my bad influence. So yay!

Fifthly, Veronica is awesome because she has declared herself Squeaky. And she like, did it right and got Assassins out of the library and watched bits of it on YouTube and stuff. So all I have to do is teach her some of the fanon (Of course Czolgosz's handkerchief has posies on it! And you do know that Booth has a TARDIS, right?) and she will become one of ussss. *hisses evilly and smirks*

'course, that's really the sort of thing that belongs over on DeviantArt, as that's where the crazy Assassins fans lurk. Yeeeah. I kinda wandered back in and have been doing things again, and it's all very entertaining.

Sixthly...Well, I'm awesome. But you all knew that. And, by extention, my clone is awesome.

Seventhly, Ksatyr is awesome because he's picking me up from the airport when I come home on Friday.

OH! And eighthly, Dave is awesome, again, because he's letting me borrow the V for Vendetta comic, which I hadn't actually read. So yay!

Ninthly, Tho is awesome because he's willing to let me be all "Rannt!" and he goes all "Advice". So that's good stuff.

Tenthly, Aly is awesome because she JUST TOTALLY IS, OHMAN! Also, Aly? I have secret messages to give you to pass to...

waitaminute.

*the Sorcy has gotten an idea. A horrible, terrible idea. *grinchgrin!*

Annnnnnnnd I'm out. [/mini-egoboost]

~Sor
MOOP!

Since there's nothing more fun then blatently ignoring the whole "I have to pack for the MS150 bike ride that I'm volunteering for this weekend" by writing elljay entries.

Anywho. You may have noticed that I haven't been around much this week. This is because I have been spending copious amounts of time with Ksatyr, learning to drive and watching House. (Not at the same time.)

Both of which are awesome. I've driven something like three hundred miles since Sunday (I love hybrids. Ohemgee*lust!*) which amounts to about fifteen hours. Which sounds like a lot, until you realize it's only a quarter of what I need to do to get my provisional license. Ick. But luckily, between MS150, origins, Maine, and other stuff this summer, I shouldn't have much trouble with that.

Anywho. Driving = the bomb. It is recockulous amounts of fun there, which is causing my mind to shift gears without a clutch as it tries to go from "Cars = evil killing machines" to "Cars = totally awesome and I need to drive more of them."

(Note the clever use of a driving pun there. Already, I seem knowladgeable. :D!)

The best driving by far this week has been driving to Rockville (And not only because it ended in a visit to Yuan Fu*) via the batman road that goes right past Ednoria. OHMAN! Driving that road is awesome. You don't even need to hit the accelerator for most of it, just glide up and down the hills using the momentum. Go drive it, right now, it rules.

It's slightly less fun in the dark, if only because there's this slightly panicky feel of "Ohshitohshitohshit, it's dark, and is that a deer? Holycrap, that's a deer! ahhhhhhh!!" Yeeeah. I'm sure you'll all be pleased to know that I did not hit the deer, and the car behind me did not hit me. Closest I've come to an accident so far is the road out near Ksatyr's house, where this car was tailgateing me something fierce, and decided to whip around me, just as I was about to change lanes. Asshole.

Also, it's morally satisfying, though highly immature, to stick out your tongue at jackasses on the road. Try it next time, you get this whole thrilling feeling of being four again. :p

As for everything else...I get to be a pirate this weekend. Yarr. And I totally have nothing going on besides the driving, so nothing much else to squee about.

Talk to you...lets see...ferrets, cats, kittens, dragons, kids, stgs, orcs, ksatyrs, clones, moms, and other awesome people later.

~Sorcy
MOOP!

((In unrelated news, I have begun to sign my name as Sorcy again, instead of Sor. Weeeeeird.))

*Non-spicy chicken curry with potatoes? *Highly* reccomended.

"Stop that before I have to ram my head into your nuts again!"

~muzikmaker21 to ksatyr

"DRAW TWO, BITCH!"

~Shouted at lunch during a high strung game of Uno by Jeremy

~Sor
MOOP!

Two hour delay! Woo!!

And dreams --realitivly good ones. Unfortunately, I can't remember most of it (Though I recall a lot of eating of good foods) but I remember bits and peices. All based out of some convention (Reoccuring dreampeice).

The really excellent part was going to see RHPS (Reasonably reoccuring dreampeice) and then chatting to Magus afterwards, who had been playing Frank.

...Also, apparently the dream took place a week from now since I was mentioning going to see RHPS with the mechanics next week. Dear dreams, please stop tossing dates into themselves, especially ones that aren't the night I had the dream.

Otherbits...quite a load of cuddling with Ksatyr for a while, and then quite a load of hanging out and chatting with a very corseted Magus. :D So yeah. Like I said, good dreams.

~Sor
MOOP!

There are such things as fun in the world, yesterday was probably not it.

Minor (that's a lie) panic attack and breakdown. And by minor, I mean lasted for something like an hour and a half? Hum

No, the bad part lasted about an hour, then being held by Ksatyr which helped like anything in making me feel safe, then went to Kung-fu for an hour and worked and lost track of life and managed to get myself mostly stable.

Didn't hit catharsispoint (The point where I can tell I'm no longer having a breakdown) until well after I got home, probably not until eight thirty or nine. Found it somewhere in the middle of reading the first chapter of Arrows of the Queen to Ksatyr. So yeah, woo catharsis. :p

***

So yeah. Forcing myself into a mask is good, because it does help calm me down. Going somewhere where I'm forced to do things with my body is good because that both tires me out and refocuses me. Books are good because they continue to be a way to escape, and one I'm unlikely to ever lose.

Breaking down is not so good. What can I say, I'm a fucked up individual, and it's taking me a long time to learn how to fix that. I need to be better at communicating to people (though some things just can't be said in words, especially not in text) and I need to figure out a way to get myself to the point where I can show weakness.

Which, it's really odd to realize, but I really do have serious difficulty with showing weakness of any sort, but especially mental. Call it pride, call it hiding, but I have to be strong for the world, and I need to teach myself that that's not really true.

Pretend that made sense. See above note about being fucked up.

As for right now, I'm okay. I'm masked myself into normality, laughing at Uncyclopedias version of Zork with Becky and generally enjoying life like I normally do.

Underneathe it all, I feel reeeeeeeeally drained though.

Woof. Bells. See yas

~Sor
MOOP!