Change or Leave (crossposted to Tumblrs)
Apr. 12th, 2012 12:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressThere are some things that most of the world considers to be bad, or undesirable, and I consider to be something well worth doing. Some of these are obvious, like gender/sexuality queerness1, some of these are arguable, like my desire to physically hurt people2, and some of these are strange even among weirdos, like the fact that I view consensual manipulation as a driving force of a good (including platonic) relationship3.
1: If you have a problem with me being genderqueer or into people of similar genders to myself, get the fuck out, and do not talk to me until you consider me a real person and can respect me thusly.
2: I'm comfortable with this desire. If you're not comfortable with this desire, well, you don't have to be one of the people I hurt.
3: If I do not (at least try to) convince you to be a better person, I am doing something wrong, and you should tell me so I can attempt to do more of this. I am not particularly subtle about this. I do not want to change you in any ways you don't want to change, but I do want to help you be as amazing as you dream of. A very basic example of this sort of thing is tricking people into doing distasteful tasks, by asking for evidence of the first step, and providing enthusiasm along the way.
Another of those third category things is the issuing of ultimatums. I feel that much of the world views the idea of an ultimatum as always, or often, bad --especially in relationships. An ultimatum in a relationship is always bullying, or emotional manipulation, or abuse4.
I don't think that's true.
4: Now, I'm sure there are cases where relationship ultimatums can be viewed as abuse --especially any situation in which the partner receiving the ultimatum is unable to take the option of "leave the relationship". I am only interested in situations where the ultimatum has two choices --change or leave-- and both are able to be performed without significant loss other than the relationship itself.
Also, this is a thing that is very dangerously diluted. One ultimatum about a big thing, that is probably okay. If you or your partner are threatening the end of the relationship every week, I am concerned towards the health of that relationship.
Because here's the deal: we all have unshakable, unchangable, things about ourselves and our relationships. A very common one is "I cannot be with someone who loves(romantic) more than just me". Or "All the sex I have must be consensual". Or "Absolutely no serial murderers". There are traits out there that are completely incompatible with my -or your- desires and needs. And I think it's perfectly fair, when one of those traits presents itself in an already running relationship, to present the partner with "I can't date someone who does x, change or leave".
Now, there's a risk to that. There's a really big risk: They might leave. Or perhaps more likely, they might tell you they cannot change, putting the onus on you to leave. And that sucks, and is hard, and there's a lot of socialization out there towards giving them a second chance.
But, there's a reason you presented it as an ultimatum, and that reason is because you cannot deal (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever) with that trait being present in your relationship. Do not let yourself be trapped with something that is that severely damaging to you --and if it's not something you'd consider damaging, do not present it as an ultimatum in the first place.
What this all kinda boils down to is the idea that, to be healthy in a relationship, you have to know what you want, and what you need, and you have to be able to express those wants and needs. You have to be willing and able to communicate to your partner(s) about your desires. If there are things which you will be unable to cope with, things that are IMPORTANT to your quality of life, you need to be able to have those things. More importantly, you deserve to have those things, and you deserve to have partners who will work with you and help you to achieve them --if they can't give those things to you, maybe you will be able to work something out where you can get your needs from another source.
And maybe sometimes it's easier to be single, or in a situation where you can be looking for partners who will give you what you need, instead of suffering with a partner with whom you're unhappy.
In closing, there's a musical by the guy who did Rent. It's called "...tick, tick, BOOM!" and has pretty good music. "Louder Than Words" is one of my favourite songs, in part because it has the following lyrics:
Don't sacrifice your health and happiness for a warm bed. There are a lot of people in the world, and a lot of ways to meet them. Find someone who will give you what you need. Find someone you deserve.
~Sor
1: If you have a problem with me being genderqueer or into people of similar genders to myself, get the fuck out, and do not talk to me until you consider me a real person and can respect me thusly.
2: I'm comfortable with this desire. If you're not comfortable with this desire, well, you don't have to be one of the people I hurt.
3: If I do not (at least try to) convince you to be a better person, I am doing something wrong, and you should tell me so I can attempt to do more of this. I am not particularly subtle about this. I do not want to change you in any ways you don't want to change, but I do want to help you be as amazing as you dream of. A very basic example of this sort of thing is tricking people into doing distasteful tasks, by asking for evidence of the first step, and providing enthusiasm along the way.
Another of those third category things is the issuing of ultimatums. I feel that much of the world views the idea of an ultimatum as always, or often, bad --especially in relationships. An ultimatum in a relationship is always bullying, or emotional manipulation, or abuse4.
I don't think that's true.
4: Now, I'm sure there are cases where relationship ultimatums can be viewed as abuse --especially any situation in which the partner receiving the ultimatum is unable to take the option of "leave the relationship". I am only interested in situations where the ultimatum has two choices --change or leave-- and both are able to be performed without significant loss other than the relationship itself.
Also, this is a thing that is very dangerously diluted. One ultimatum about a big thing, that is probably okay. If you or your partner are threatening the end of the relationship every week, I am concerned towards the health of that relationship.
Because here's the deal: we all have unshakable, unchangable, things about ourselves and our relationships. A very common one is "I cannot be with someone who loves(romantic) more than just me". Or "All the sex I have must be consensual". Or "Absolutely no serial murderers". There are traits out there that are completely incompatible with my -or your- desires and needs. And I think it's perfectly fair, when one of those traits presents itself in an already running relationship, to present the partner with "I can't date someone who does x, change or leave".
Now, there's a risk to that. There's a really big risk: They might leave. Or perhaps more likely, they might tell you they cannot change, putting the onus on you to leave. And that sucks, and is hard, and there's a lot of socialization out there towards giving them a second chance.
But, there's a reason you presented it as an ultimatum, and that reason is because you cannot deal (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever) with that trait being present in your relationship. Do not let yourself be trapped with something that is that severely damaging to you --and if it's not something you'd consider damaging, do not present it as an ultimatum in the first place.
What this all kinda boils down to is the idea that, to be healthy in a relationship, you have to know what you want, and what you need, and you have to be able to express those wants and needs. You have to be willing and able to communicate to your partner(s) about your desires. If there are things which you will be unable to cope with, things that are IMPORTANT to your quality of life, you need to be able to have those things. More importantly, you deserve to have those things, and you deserve to have partners who will work with you and help you to achieve them --if they can't give those things to you, maybe you will be able to work something out where you can get your needs from another source.
And maybe sometimes it's easier to be single, or in a situation where you can be looking for partners who will give you what you need, instead of suffering with a partner with whom you're unhappy.
In closing, there's a musical by the guy who did Rent. It's called "...tick, tick, BOOM!" and has pretty good music. "Louder Than Words" is one of my favourite songs, in part because it has the following lyrics:
Why
Would we rather put ourselves through hell
Than sleep alone at night?
Don't sacrifice your health and happiness for a warm bed. There are a lot of people in the world, and a lot of ways to meet them. Find someone who will give you what you need. Find someone you deserve.
~Sor
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no subject
on 2012-04-12 01:13 pm (UTC)Hehehehe, yar, i totally saw what you did there! You wanna come online and make me enter receipts into KMyMoney? ;D
And i totally agree with the rest of the post... i started to c&p to quote bits but then i realized i would be quoting it all! Anyway, the mainest one that i do want to respond to (and one that i daresay will not surprise you at all coming from me) is this:
And maybe sometimes it's easier to be single, or in a situation where you can be looking for partners who will give you what you need, instead of suffering with a partner with whom you're unhappy.
Words that are easy to say and which can be hard to act upon. Until W, every single one of my "relationships" were like that. They happened because i was too terrified to be alone. How does one learn to deal with a fear like that when trapped in an unhappy relationship? Yar, those words make me defensive, set off the negvox which tell me that i got what i deserved 'cause i wasn't strong enough to stick up for myself. And you could argue that i did eventually free myself but it only happened because of W and the nature of my personality is such that, no, i wasn't wise in choosing W that time... i was effing lucky she turned out to be Awesome 'cause she easily could have been a bastard and i'd have ended right back where i started from.
Soyar.
no subject
on 2012-04-13 06:36 pm (UTC)Would we rather put ourselves through hell
Than sleep alone at night?
No disagreements here, but I will say that sleeping alone still sucks. It may be stupid, but it's still really easy to see how people can go to great lengths, including things that hurt themselves, to avoid it.
no subject
on 2012-04-12 01:06 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-12 01:09 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2012-04-12 08:03 pm (UTC)I also believe I still have them. Bring 100,000 hugs in unmarked hugs to the old tree in Davis Square at midnight.
Or, you know, e-mail me your address or something and I'll try dropping them in a mailbox.
~Sor
no subject
on 2012-04-12 01:42 pm (UTC)This was a good piece; thank you for posting it.
no subject
on 2012-04-12 06:06 pm (UTC)I won't say they'd never work -- I'm probably biased by not having seen evidence that they can. I do think you (not you personally) would have to be careful of other people's past experience with ultimatums, at least to the extent of making sure they could tell you weren't outright breaking up with them.