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sorcyressI had an epiphany the other day. A slightly terrifying one.
See, there's this Tumblr called Project Unbreakable, which showcases photographs of sexual abuse survivors holding up quotes from their abusers. And I absolutely want to join, and so I took a gander back at my chatlogs because I remember textual things so much better than vocal, and I wanted to make sure I got the quote I wanted exactly right.
It was from a few weeks after we broke up. They said:
It elaborated from what they said right when we broke up, that I wasn't ever going to have a partner because I was scared of sex1. It's hardly the most toxic quote from my quick trawl through the chatlogs2, but it's one that's sat with me ever since. Sometimes I pull it out and laugh at it --"Look, they was such a jerkwad they said this to me!"-- but more often, I just don't bring it up at all.
And I sure as hell don't think about whether or not I internalized it.
Which brings us to another snippet from my past, a more recent one. A few months ago, I wrote about the fact that I do not like being casually naked, and examined why that might be.
Perhaps you see where I'm going with this.
Not long after I wrote that clothing post, I had a breaking-down freakout, sobbing in a hotel bathroom during a con. I was just post-shower, I was stressed and exhausted, and all my clothing was out in the room. So were the people I was staying with. And I just could not go out and get my clothing, because I was naked, and I knew they find me attractive, and I couldn't guarantee for myself that they wouldn't do some sort of flirty "rrow!" comment at me.
Which ordinarily would have been completely okay, because these are people who have seen me underdressed a dozen times before, and I know the comment would have been playful and platonic, if it even came at all (which is unlikely, really), but...but I couldn't have dealt with it. I literally could not get my brain to let me be seen naked by people who find me attractive. The idea was distressing in the extreme.
And maybe all of that was just the problem I was having all con, where I felt more that people liked me for being pretty than useful, and making lewd comments at my body (or even just admiring it!) would've just played into that (no one ever makes lewd comments about my mind.)
But maybe the problem is that somewhere in the back of my brain is the connection that, if someone finds me attractive, and that someone sees me naked, then that someone will expect sex from me. And so maybe they'll take it from me.
Because that's what happened with my abuser. I was encouraged to be naked at their place, but it could never just be nakedness. There was always feeling and groping and objectification and really, I left that relationship feeling like I hadn't been anything more than a glorified Real Doll to them.
So there we go. One of the reasons I don't like being naked around people is that I was told, in no uncertain terms, by someone I consider to have raped me, that if I am naked around people who are attracted to me, then they will expect to have sex with me.
I'm well aware, in my rational sense-brain that that's complete and utter bullshit. I know this to be true because I have seen people I was attracted to naked, and not expected anything from them. I know this to be true because there are people who I know are attracted to me who have seen me naked, and they've never expected anything.
My rational sense-brain is not the bit of me that's in charge of me feeling uncomfortable.
The whole point of finding my internalized bullshit is so I can fix it. No, I don't want you to help.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Always their words, and it only occurs to me now, later, how much I despise it. I wasn't scared of sex. I've been masturbating since I first gained motor control over my hands, I've been kinky since before I knew there were words for what I thought. Sex is a huge part of my life, and even when I was most against it, was still something I thought about, a lot, and fought for, a lot. It doesn't scare me.
I just didn't want it. To use a (slightly absurd) example, that's like saying I'm "scared of chocolate sauce" because I prefer not to have it on my ice cream. I found sex a complex and fascinating subject that I didn't want to have any practical experience in, at the time. That's not the same as fear.
2: In which I didn't even _touch_ the "bad" ones, like the one where they blackmailed me. This was about six logs total, from the first month or so of us being broken up.
POSTSCRIPT: So, someone pointed out that I made my first post about being an abuse survivor a couple months after I broke up with one of my boyfriends, and they were freaking out about hearing me hanging out casually with that (now-ex)boyfriend. NO! GODS NO!
I do not hang out with my abuser, ever, and the relationship ended long before I ever posted about it. If you do not want to hang out with someone I dated/was involved with because you think they are the one who hurt me, PLEASE ask me first so I can confirm. With this one exception, I am quite friendly with my exes, and really don't want the good ones to get mistaken for the douchey one. Thanks.
See, there's this Tumblr called Project Unbreakable, which showcases photographs of sexual abuse survivors holding up quotes from their abusers. And I absolutely want to join, and so I took a gander back at my chatlogs because I remember textual things so much better than vocal, and I wanted to make sure I got the quote I wanted exactly right.
It was from a few weeks after we broke up. They said:
well. That's fine, don't have sex.
I suggest that you don't get naked with anyone who is attracted to you either, 'cos they'll expect it to keep going one step further until you do have sex
It elaborated from what they said right when we broke up, that I wasn't ever going to have a partner because I was scared of sex1. It's hardly the most toxic quote from my quick trawl through the chatlogs2, but it's one that's sat with me ever since. Sometimes I pull it out and laugh at it --"Look, they was such a jerkwad they said this to me!"-- but more often, I just don't bring it up at all.
And I sure as hell don't think about whether or not I internalized it.
Which brings us to another snippet from my past, a more recent one. A few months ago, I wrote about the fact that I do not like being casually naked, and examined why that might be.
Perhaps you see where I'm going with this.
Not long after I wrote that clothing post, I had a breaking-down freakout, sobbing in a hotel bathroom during a con. I was just post-shower, I was stressed and exhausted, and all my clothing was out in the room. So were the people I was staying with. And I just could not go out and get my clothing, because I was naked, and I knew they find me attractive, and I couldn't guarantee for myself that they wouldn't do some sort of flirty "rrow!" comment at me.
Which ordinarily would have been completely okay, because these are people who have seen me underdressed a dozen times before, and I know the comment would have been playful and platonic, if it even came at all (which is unlikely, really), but...but I couldn't have dealt with it. I literally could not get my brain to let me be seen naked by people who find me attractive. The idea was distressing in the extreme.
And maybe all of that was just the problem I was having all con, where I felt more that people liked me for being pretty than useful, and making lewd comments at my body (or even just admiring it!) would've just played into that (no one ever makes lewd comments about my mind.)
But maybe the problem is that somewhere in the back of my brain is the connection that, if someone finds me attractive, and that someone sees me naked, then that someone will expect sex from me. And so maybe they'll take it from me.
Because that's what happened with my abuser. I was encouraged to be naked at their place, but it could never just be nakedness. There was always feeling and groping and objectification and really, I left that relationship feeling like I hadn't been anything more than a glorified Real Doll to them.
So there we go. One of the reasons I don't like being naked around people is that I was told, in no uncertain terms, by someone I consider to have raped me, that if I am naked around people who are attracted to me, then they will expect to have sex with me.
I'm well aware, in my rational sense-brain that that's complete and utter bullshit. I know this to be true because I have seen people I was attracted to naked, and not expected anything from them. I know this to be true because there are people who I know are attracted to me who have seen me naked, and they've never expected anything.
My rational sense-brain is not the bit of me that's in charge of me feeling uncomfortable.
The whole point of finding my internalized bullshit is so I can fix it. No, I don't want you to help.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Always their words, and it only occurs to me now, later, how much I despise it. I wasn't scared of sex. I've been masturbating since I first gained motor control over my hands, I've been kinky since before I knew there were words for what I thought. Sex is a huge part of my life, and even when I was most against it, was still something I thought about, a lot, and fought for, a lot. It doesn't scare me.
I just didn't want it. To use a (slightly absurd) example, that's like saying I'm "scared of chocolate sauce" because I prefer not to have it on my ice cream. I found sex a complex and fascinating subject that I didn't want to have any practical experience in, at the time. That's not the same as fear.
2: In which I didn't even _touch_ the "bad" ones, like the one where they blackmailed me. This was about six logs total, from the first month or so of us being broken up.
POSTSCRIPT: So, someone pointed out that I made my first post about being an abuse survivor a couple months after I broke up with one of my boyfriends, and they were freaking out about hearing me hanging out casually with that (now-ex)boyfriend. NO! GODS NO!
I do not hang out with my abuser, ever, and the relationship ended long before I ever posted about it. If you do not want to hang out with someone I dated/was involved with because you think they are the one who hurt me, PLEASE ask me first so I can confirm. With this one exception, I am quite friendly with my exes, and really don't want the good ones to get mistaken for the douchey one. Thanks.