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The Sorcyress is too proud to grovel
Dec. 6th, 2012 06:13 pmTW: Emotional abuse
Proving that I am sometimes smart enough to censor myself in IM conversation, but *not* smart enough to not post passive-aggressive things in my livejournal, here is something I didn't say to someone, that I think is relevant to the grand scheme of How Sor Works.
Context should be obvious --I'm having an argument with a friend, in which I'm in the wrong, and they're angry at me for it0. That's valid --everyone does stupid shit sometimes, and I am so not exempt from that. And when I do stupid, or dangerous, or unhealthy, or abusive, or kyriarchal shit, I want to hear about it.
What happens next is I'm going to think about it, apologize, and move on. And that's all you'll get from me. Oh, don't get me wrong, the matter won't end there --I *will* keep thinking about what you said, especially if it's right, especially if it hurts, especially if it can at all ping my guilt conscience1. And I'll pay attention and introspect and change my behaviour if I believe it needs changing.
But I don't think that part of the process is necessarily your business. Whether or not I change my behavior or actions is not something you can affect. You can give strong recommendations, you can give encouragement, you can give bribes or threats or carrots or sticks but ultimately, it boils down to the fact that I am my own beast. I would like to hope that I am a logical beast, and willing to listen to those who have good recommendations or my best interests, but regardless of how good or logical I am, I will not change unless I decide to.
And sometimes, that seems not to be good enough for people. Sometimes when I think about it and apologize and move on, it's apparently not enough to placate the person arguing with me. I'm not sure, perhaps my apologies do not sound sufficiently sincere. Perhaps they are the sort of person who goes for vengeance and do not feel I have paid the sufficient price for harming them. Perhaps they just want to see me grovel.
And to that, I say fuck that, and fuck you. Anyone who wants to see me grovel, ever2, is welcome to get the fuck out of my life, post-haste. Because I used to grovel. I used to beg for forgiveness. I used to throw myself prostrate before the person I had Wronged and weep for my foolishness.
Spoiler warning, the person I did that for most consistently was the ex that abused me. I talk a lot about the sexual stuff (I think a lot about the sexual stuff, little triggered shards of pain from someone touching me just the wrong sort of right) but truth be told, the emotional part's what lasted.
I had a moment a couple weeks ago where someone I'm currently dating said something harsh at me in a moment of miscommunication3. And I shattered. I flung myself textually to their feet, explaining what was wrong, apologizing and over-apologizing, begging them to not be angry, that I hadn't meant to hurt them, oh please forgive me I didn't mean to make you mad.
And even as the words left my fingers, it felt atrocious. I felt slimy and caught and completely worthless. I wrote a bit that I never did post, and I talked about the fact that when you're in an emotionally abusive situation, and you are perceived to do something wrong, groveling --as fast and as furious as you can-- is the only way to Make Things Better. It's my fault for not being better, for not taking good enough care of them, for not being on their side, for not paying them enough attention, for not loving them hard enough, strongly enough. And if I don't throw away whatever I was doing --clearly unimportant-- to fix. it. now., something terrible will happen to them and it will have been All My Fault.
"I love you so much, and all I get in return is hurt. Why do you have to make me hit you, darlin'?"
So I personally have only one context for groveling, and it's abuse. Groveling is the thing that happens in order to prevent them hurting themself. In order to prevent them hurting me. Groveling is frantic, painful, and to be perfectly honest, a whole lot less sincere than my initial apology.
So I don't grovel. Ever. If I make you mad, let me know, by all means. I may be a feral thing, but I can still be trained if I want to, perform tricks like not leaving dishes in the sink or keeping my partners up to date on the romantic status of my other partners. When I fuck up, and I will fuck up, because everyone fucks up sometimes, I will do my best to make it better. I'll apologize. I'll think about what I've done. I'll change my behavior.
But I'm not going to grovel to you, and if you think you deserve it from me, you can go to hell.
~Sor
MOOP!
0: This should be obvious, but just in case, if you think you know who I am arguing with, and it's not YOU, it's not any of your business, and you should not be speculating or guessing.
1: Which is somehow as healthy as any Catholic, despite growing up in a household where the whole point of Christmas is that Santa comes by.
2: As with many other forms of harm, exceptions can be made for the purposes of kink, or scenes, or other dirty-scary-sexy-nonsense that plays with power and control.
3: Turns out they had been looking at the chatlogs for one of my metamours, not me, and I hadn't done anything wrong. They apologized. Happy ending all around!
TW: Emotional abuse
Proving that I am sometimes smart enough to censor myself in IM conversation, but *not* smart enough to not post passive-aggressive things in my livejournal, here is something I didn't say to someone, that I think is relevant to the grand scheme of How Sor Works.
I don't grovel for forgiveness with anyone I'm not in an emotionally abusive relationship with. Either I will apologize and that'll be enough and I'll be forgiven, or I'll have to "prove my sorryness/love/sincerity" and I don't go for that. Let me know which it is.
Context should be obvious --I'm having an argument with a friend, in which I'm in the wrong, and they're angry at me for it0. That's valid --everyone does stupid shit sometimes, and I am so not exempt from that. And when I do stupid, or dangerous, or unhealthy, or abusive, or kyriarchal shit, I want to hear about it.
What happens next is I'm going to think about it, apologize, and move on. And that's all you'll get from me. Oh, don't get me wrong, the matter won't end there --I *will* keep thinking about what you said, especially if it's right, especially if it hurts, especially if it can at all ping my guilt conscience1. And I'll pay attention and introspect and change my behaviour if I believe it needs changing.
But I don't think that part of the process is necessarily your business. Whether or not I change my behavior or actions is not something you can affect. You can give strong recommendations, you can give encouragement, you can give bribes or threats or carrots or sticks but ultimately, it boils down to the fact that I am my own beast. I would like to hope that I am a logical beast, and willing to listen to those who have good recommendations or my best interests, but regardless of how good or logical I am, I will not change unless I decide to.
And sometimes, that seems not to be good enough for people. Sometimes when I think about it and apologize and move on, it's apparently not enough to placate the person arguing with me. I'm not sure, perhaps my apologies do not sound sufficiently sincere. Perhaps they are the sort of person who goes for vengeance and do not feel I have paid the sufficient price for harming them. Perhaps they just want to see me grovel.
And to that, I say fuck that, and fuck you. Anyone who wants to see me grovel, ever2, is welcome to get the fuck out of my life, post-haste. Because I used to grovel. I used to beg for forgiveness. I used to throw myself prostrate before the person I had Wronged and weep for my foolishness.
Spoiler warning, the person I did that for most consistently was the ex that abused me. I talk a lot about the sexual stuff (I think a lot about the sexual stuff, little triggered shards of pain from someone touching me just the wrong sort of right) but truth be told, the emotional part's what lasted.
I had a moment a couple weeks ago where someone I'm currently dating said something harsh at me in a moment of miscommunication3. And I shattered. I flung myself textually to their feet, explaining what was wrong, apologizing and over-apologizing, begging them to not be angry, that I hadn't meant to hurt them, oh please forgive me I didn't mean to make you mad.
And even as the words left my fingers, it felt atrocious. I felt slimy and caught and completely worthless. I wrote a bit that I never did post, and I talked about the fact that when you're in an emotionally abusive situation, and you are perceived to do something wrong, groveling --as fast and as furious as you can-- is the only way to Make Things Better. It's my fault for not being better, for not taking good enough care of them, for not being on their side, for not paying them enough attention, for not loving them hard enough, strongly enough. And if I don't throw away whatever I was doing --clearly unimportant-- to fix. it. now., something terrible will happen to them and it will have been All My Fault.
"I love you so much, and all I get in return is hurt. Why do you have to make me hit you, darlin'?"
So I personally have only one context for groveling, and it's abuse. Groveling is the thing that happens in order to prevent them hurting themself. In order to prevent them hurting me. Groveling is frantic, painful, and to be perfectly honest, a whole lot less sincere than my initial apology.
So I don't grovel. Ever. If I make you mad, let me know, by all means. I may be a feral thing, but I can still be trained if I want to, perform tricks like not leaving dishes in the sink or keeping my partners up to date on the romantic status of my other partners. When I fuck up, and I will fuck up, because everyone fucks up sometimes, I will do my best to make it better. I'll apologize. I'll think about what I've done. I'll change my behavior.
But I'm not going to grovel to you, and if you think you deserve it from me, you can go to hell.
~Sor
MOOP!
0: This should be obvious, but just in case, if you think you know who I am arguing with, and it's not YOU, it's not any of your business, and you should not be speculating or guessing.
1: Which is somehow as healthy as any Catholic, despite growing up in a household where the whole point of Christmas is that Santa comes by.
2: As with many other forms of harm, exceptions can be made for the purposes of kink, or scenes, or other dirty-scary-sexy-nonsense that plays with power and control.
3: Turns out they had been looking at the chatlogs for one of my metamours, not me, and I hadn't done anything wrong. They apologized. Happy ending all around!
TW: Emotional abuse
