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sorcyressOf course by now you've all figured out that I don't have any interest in actually making my Half-Naked Thursday posts on an actual Thursday. This is because I can't get the hang of Thursdays, also, by Thursday I will be in California and possibly not at all willing to be in a mood to make slightly depressing posts. Anyways.
This month has sucked, kindof a lot, brainwise. I feel like all the progress I have inch-by-mental-inch been making has just slipped between my fingers, and I'm right back to being this scared little eleven year old girl who kinda wonders what it's like to not have to exist any longer, only with the added benefit of a decade more to worry about.
It's problematic, especially when it boils down to the fact that I can't really love myself right now, and that exacerbates everything else, meaning I'm having a lot of trouble finding even enough stability to keep going through the days. I don't know, maybe this is all just backlash from starting therapy again1 and thereby being seriously introspective on a regular basis for the first time in a long time. But this month has been just awful. I feel small and lost and scared, and the world is demanding I be capable.
And so yesterday in math class (when I should have been paying better attention because I am really not good at modular arithmetic.) I made an art:
The bottom, which is the only part you should be able to read, says "These are some of the lies I think of as true." There's a little self-portrait of myself in the lower right. It's not quite my usual style of how I draw myself --indeed, I think it's a little more accurate, both in appearance and mood. And while I don't curl up *quite* that way when something deep inside my brain Hurts, I do curl, wrapping myself around that spot behind my sternum where I think of my Self as existing.
The text at the top says...a lot of things.
A _lot_ of things. I just counted, I think there are 92 things in there. That would be ninety-two things that I can identify as lies that I absolutely believe are true --oh sure, not all the time. Not always. But they are things that my mind says and society says and the world says, and it's often enough that I can't help but think maybe everyone else is right.
(This is, if you saw me at Diesel or squares and was asking, why my wrist says "Stop Lying" right now)
A few of them are silly, most of them are serious, and a couple of them are something close to dangerous. It's okay. Part of the point of making it was to have a specific listing of faulty beliefs, something I could look at and say "ah yes, that is wrong, how foolish of me".
I just wish it weren't so damn hard. I just wish I weren't so damn broken.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I last talked to a therapist in early 2007 --she and I parted ways a little after kSatyr and I started dating, for unrelated reasons. My biggest failing is that I never trusted her, and while she helped with a couple little things (and the getting me diagnosed with ADHD, which was a _huge_ thing) there was not a lot she could do with me. I went into this round with the assumption that I could tell my therapist basically everything, and so I basically have --only exceptions are Hyde (because it is very different to admit to having voices in your head that help you out and to admit to having voices in your head that tell you to kill) and some of the more serious kink stuff (because I don't want to freak her out by being too TMI, and also because I don't know that I can accurately explain some of the power dynamics that I crave.)
Comment Policy: Comments that are just "*hugs*" or any variation will be purged. Sorry, but I'm fucking serious about this, they will not make me feel better, and I do not want to have to deal with them. At all, and if you can't understand that, at least try to respect it.
This month has sucked, kindof a lot, brainwise. I feel like all the progress I have inch-by-mental-inch been making has just slipped between my fingers, and I'm right back to being this scared little eleven year old girl who kinda wonders what it's like to not have to exist any longer, only with the added benefit of a decade more to worry about.
It's problematic, especially when it boils down to the fact that I can't really love myself right now, and that exacerbates everything else, meaning I'm having a lot of trouble finding even enough stability to keep going through the days. I don't know, maybe this is all just backlash from starting therapy again1 and thereby being seriously introspective on a regular basis for the first time in a long time. But this month has been just awful. I feel small and lost and scared, and the world is demanding I be capable.
And so yesterday in math class (when I should have been paying better attention because I am really not good at modular arithmetic.) I made an art:
The bottom, which is the only part you should be able to read, says "These are some of the lies I think of as true." There's a little self-portrait of myself in the lower right. It's not quite my usual style of how I draw myself --indeed, I think it's a little more accurate, both in appearance and mood. And while I don't curl up *quite* that way when something deep inside my brain Hurts, I do curl, wrapping myself around that spot behind my sternum where I think of my Self as existing.
The text at the top says...a lot of things.
A _lot_ of things. I just counted, I think there are 92 things in there. That would be ninety-two things that I can identify as lies that I absolutely believe are true --oh sure, not all the time. Not always. But they are things that my mind says and society says and the world says, and it's often enough that I can't help but think maybe everyone else is right.
(This is, if you saw me at Diesel or squares and was asking, why my wrist says "Stop Lying" right now)
A few of them are silly, most of them are serious, and a couple of them are something close to dangerous. It's okay. Part of the point of making it was to have a specific listing of faulty beliefs, something I could look at and say "ah yes, that is wrong, how foolish of me".
I just wish it weren't so damn hard. I just wish I weren't so damn broken.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I last talked to a therapist in early 2007 --she and I parted ways a little after kSatyr and I started dating, for unrelated reasons. My biggest failing is that I never trusted her, and while she helped with a couple little things (and the getting me diagnosed with ADHD, which was a _huge_ thing) there was not a lot she could do with me. I went into this round with the assumption that I could tell my therapist basically everything, and so I basically have --only exceptions are Hyde (because it is very different to admit to having voices in your head that help you out and to admit to having voices in your head that tell you to kill) and some of the more serious kink stuff (because I don't want to freak her out by being too TMI, and also because I don't know that I can accurately explain some of the power dynamics that I crave.)
Comment Policy: Comments that are just "*hugs*" or any variation will be purged. Sorry, but I'm fucking serious about this, they will not make me feel better, and I do not want to have to deal with them. At all, and if you can't understand that, at least try to respect it.
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no subject
on 2010-11-17 10:18 am (UTC)I don't think that therapy is supposed to make you feel worse...? I have heard from many people that one often has to shop around before you find a counselor whose style or whatever is right for you, though. Could that be contributing? If not, good luck with pushing through it D: I respect how hard you're trying to understand yourself and sort everything in your head out. I think that's pretty gosh-darn brave :3
The faulty beliefs thing, they sound horrible to have a round but painful to get rid of D: It also sounds like you implied a lot of yours were self-directed, and negative. I hear those are the hardest to deprogram. If you want to talk to me about it, I'm around, obvs.
Lotsa love and we're all real prouda you and stuff.
*Bwa ha but you've already read a paragraph. ... Wrong time for jokes? Right time for jokes?
no subject
on 2010-11-17 08:47 pm (UTC)Also, much agree on Jazzfishes comment.
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on 2010-11-21 02:41 am (UTC)I kinda agree with
Pretty much all of them are self-directed and negative, though some were just based fully on the fact that I don't match what society tells me is right. Oh, and there was one in there about pigeons, I'm not really sure what I was going on about. I like pigeons though, and most of the time, I'm pretty good at ignoring societal lies that they are awful terrible things.
Obvs you're around? But I don't even know who you are! And I am terrible at guessing these things. You sound kinda like a Rackle maybe, in that you sound a little like me? But that's my only guess and it's very likely wrong.
(I wrote that the other day on the plane, before you posted your comment, of course)
~Sor
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on 2010-11-21 10:23 pm (UTC):3
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on 2010-11-24 06:25 am (UTC)I could feed the ones in Porter Square, but you're not supposed to. They're so pretty though, especially when they fly in a big flock all together.
~Sor
no subject
on 2010-11-17 10:25 am (UTC)And this bit? ...to being this scared little eleven year old girl who kinda wonders what it's like to not have to exist any longer... and I feel small and lost and scared, and the world is demanding I be capable. Ahyup, totally there and there. i certainly won't go into detail1 but this whole year has sucked for the most part and had gotten particularly worse again in October (for a number of reasons, but specifically one Big One) and the feeling the world wants me to be something that i am utterly incapable of being and Letting People Down (podlings especially) and failing on so many levels... those are a daily thing in my head.
And man, i'm afraid if i tried to make a list like that, it would not serve the purpose of giving me something tangible to look at and say "geez, that's a total NegVox Lie" at but a thing to see as an underscoring of all my faults. i'm really glad that that is not the case for you.
i promise to not huggle, as unnatural that is to me because even though i do not understand (well, in a way i do, but it rather goes against every fiber of my being.. my kneejerk is always to huggle... not necessarily because i think it'll help but because it's how i show i care. And dear dear Sor, i DO so very much.), i can & do respect your wish for me not to. Just so long as you understand that i love you so very much and i am crying as i am writing this 'cause i do love you and if i could just wave a hand3 and make you better i totally would 'cause you are such an awesome person and i would be so very utterly crushed if you weren't in my life anymore. Just so's you know.
1: 'Cause ye gods, it'll just add to your burdens and expectations of being Capable vis a vis helping the stupid ferret feel better2
2: Though, i will point out here that YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS. You were there for me several times this year and turned me around and made me feel like a worthwhile person right when i needed it most, so tell that to your lies, hmf
3: Or cutting off said hand or jumping off a building or Hell's Bells making a phone call. i'd make a phone call to make you better. i totally would.
no subject
on 2010-11-21 02:43 am (UTC)...
hahahahahahhayeah. Right. Of course. I would never look at it at an underscoring of my faults, not ever. >.>
Thank you for respecting, dear. Sometimes I need not to be touched. It's at least a couple of the lies (or perhaps even the ones I didn't get around to writing down.)
I am incredibly flattered that you would make a phone call to make me feel better. It is an honour to hear you say such a thing, dear ferret.
*gives you hgugles, at least*
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on 2010-11-17 10:32 am (UTC). o O (and also yar, there's plenty of things my therapist doesn't get to hear too 'cause he just wouldn't Understand)(you probly know what all of them are too, heh)
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on 2010-11-17 01:39 pm (UTC)i feel that way about the entire year, so far (school year, i mean). it's probably a reaction to grief, or something related.
re: therapists.
i did the same thing that you did (telling the therapist everything) back in 2005, thinking that i could just go for one visit, and then be done. nope. unfortunately, i learned that is now the way therapy works. (possibly why i'm scared to try and find someone to talk to, right now. i want an easy fix, and that is not the way to handle grief).
since you say that you "went into this round", are you seeing a therapist, right now? are they helping?
this post makes sense in a way that i want to leave a really long comment, but my thoughts are being incoherent, so i can't really piece a lot of what i wanted to say together. i'll try and get back to this, later today.
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on 2010-11-21 02:44 am (UTC)I am seeing one of the school counselors right now. I...think she might be helping. It's a little bit of a way to focus, I think, and to maybe come up with some of the more locked down stuff, so I can examine it and try to fix it. I don't know that we'll ever make actual Progress --I think I'd need a real, regular, therapist for that, possibly for a long time-- but I think she's going to help.
I would love it if you got back to this, because I love reading peoples words and thoughts and such, but no stress if you don't. I know you're busy.
Also, I hope next semester reverses the trend. For both of us.
~Sor
no subject
on 2010-11-17 01:53 pm (UTC)Oddly, I think this is a Good Sign. Bear with me.
I have a theory (that someday soon I will just put in a bloody post all its own, because I find myself going "wait, i haven't told you this?" and having to explain it to people on a pretty regular basis). Anyway, this theory is: therapy makes life a lot more difficult in the short term. You've had these patterns of behavior, defence mechanisms, coping mechanisms, whatever you want to call them, and they've kept you alive but keep you from living. So you go into therapy with the express purpose of replacing them with mechanisms and patterns that can keep you alive and living. This requires disabling the old mechanisms to take a close look at how they work.
All the time you're building new defenses against the things that hurt, or learning that maybe those things don't need to hurt anymore, or whatever. In the meantime, a) those things still hurt, and b) you no longer have that thing you relied on for decades to protect you. And so everything sucks for awhile.
Eventually it gets better, and you get to take care of the scared eleven-year-old girl in the ways that she needs.
(... okay, so the part about how it gets better isn't one I've really gotten to myself except in small doses and brief flashes. I have to believe it does, because the alternatives are to either keep feeling this crappy and broken, or keep feeling as crappy and broken as I did before I started.)
no subject
on 2010-11-17 04:05 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2010-11-17 08:19 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2010-11-17 09:32 pm (UTC)Edit to clarify: I don't mean that disassembling them is impossible, just that it's a messy process at the best of times.
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on 2010-11-18 12:30 am (UTC)no subject
on 2010-11-18 04:21 am (UTC)no subject
on 2010-11-21 03:44 am (UTC)~Sor
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on 2010-11-21 05:06 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2010-11-17 03:07 pm (UTC)Re therapists: it is very hard to find someone who will be able to understand all of you, and sometimes it is necessary to go thru several therapists to find the right one. (BTDT) I don't know if you are able to choose between several individuals, or make a decision based on whether they are kink/poly friendly or not, but if you do hae that option, please use it. And yes, it is gut-wrenching to have to go thru the explanations every D*^# time. We do not fit into molds.
Know that I am here for you, always.
no subject
on 2010-11-18 04:39 am (UTC)no subject
on 2010-11-21 03:45 am (UTC)I think she's okay. Certainly, I went into the first meeting and explained some things like "I am poly and that is absolutely not the source of my problems" and the like. She gets it, or at least pretends to, which is all I need.
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on 2010-11-21 04:30 am (UTC)Re therapist: I'm glad she seems to get it. That's important.
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on 2010-11-24 07:04 am (UTC)~Sor
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on 2010-11-17 03:16 pm (UTC)I wish I had something to give you to pull you out of the lies, but all I can say is that I was there once, and now I'm not, at least, not as much as I once was. I am sure there are still lies here, because lies are insidious, but when I find them, I try to extinguish them.
My path won't be your path so I don't feel qualified to point you in any specific direction, but remember, it is possible to stop turning to the lie and start finding the truth, which is yourself.
Any time you actually want a hug, I am here.
no subject
on 2010-11-24 07:42 am (UTC)It's later now, so I'd love a *hug*. Be well, m'dear!
~Sor
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on 2010-11-17 04:06 pm (UTC)Apparently things for me got better with age... and a realization I had a while ago. It might help you, might not. There are a number of things in me, about me, parts of my past and my current that I hate about me. They don't surface much anymore, I keep 'em contained pretty well, I've let the ebb and flow of my life lead me a bit better, bit more stable. However those things are there, and if there's one thing I can't do is love those parts of me, parts of who I was.
I don't exactly love myself, not the whole of myself. I love parts of me, bits of who I am that are pretty neat. The rest... I do accept them, the parts of me that are a monster... or I see as a monster. Which was kinda the first step for me becoming a bit more stable. I can't say my life is the most healthy, nor that my way of handling things works for everyone, nor that I haven't turned compartmentalizing into an art form worthy of a museum.
Just... thought sharing that option might help. I dunno, you said your issues had a root in not loving yourself and... I've had that road before. I should stop rambling now...
no subject
on 2010-11-17 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2010-11-21 04:16 am (UTC)I'm currently three thousand miles away from the list (and in taking a photograph that made it impossible to identify what I had written, I made it impossible to identify what I had written) but when I get back to Boston, I may make a follow-up with some examples.
~Sor
no subject
on 2010-11-21 02:07 pm (UTC)Agh
on 2010-11-18 04:38 am (UTC)I'm sorry.
*hug*1
1. Yes, you get a hug in there.2
2. Utterly unrepentant.
Re: Agh
on 2010-11-21 04:28 am (UTC)I should probably make a post about this one, because it is a thing I find myself having to say occasionally to people I like.
I enjoy hearing what's going on in people's lives. Problems, drama, excitement, good things, bad things, I like knowing what's going on, and I like being able to help if I can, or listen if I can't.
Moreover, listening to other people is an amazing distraction from whatever is going on in my life. If my life is going well, I get to share their joy. If my life is going poorly, then I get a healthy distraction, and can focus on someone else's problems for a while, and then when I return to my life, I am coming from a better base-mood in the first place.
You sure as hell weren't "moaning about your trivial problems". There are things that hurt you, and there are things that hurt me, but I don't play misery-dick contests, and so trying to figure out which of us has it "worse" is a useless proposition. You have just as much a right to be hurt, and just as much a right to talk about the sad things in your life as I do -and it doesn't matter if we're comparing amputations to papercuts or what.
I do hide things well in person, sometimes. There's a reason for this --a fair amount of the ways I'm fucked up focus on the fact that I can't accept help, or take affection or strength or emotional energy from people --and no, them telling me "of course you can!" doesn't make it easier. I really honestly don't want to share my life in person most of the time. I wish I could do that, but it's just not feasible. I need my walls, be they electronic or otherwise.
So, to sum up: I continue to be messed up. Never apologize for telling me your problems unless I actively asked you not to. Even if someone is more hurt, all people have just as much a right to complain. And for gods sakes, if I am in pain, I want the distraction of someone else's pain --the lemonade tastes different, and sometimes that's all it takes.
~Sor
no subject
on 2010-11-18 06:01 am (UTC)it's okay to not tell your therapist everything, especially if you don't really have a choice (to get a more open/accepting therapist, I mean) and think them fixating on kink/poly/whatever is going to keep them from ACTUALLY HELPING YOU.
anyway, onto my actual reason for commenting: november has been really hard for me too. I think some of it is it getting dark so damn early all of a sudden. where did the day go, it's cold and dark and makes me sad. I am taking massive amounts of vitamin d now and trying to get sunlight that I can in an effort to stave off SAD-like-thing.