Pride and Identity!
Jun. 1st, 2024 04:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressHeyo it’s pride month! Happy Pride, if that is something you celebrate in your particular version of yourself.
I’d love to hear what gender/romantic/sexuality identity words you are currently using, regardless of whether you think I know them or not (and regardless of whether or not you feel they qualify under the pride umbrella! I’m interested in knowing if you’re cis and allo and het too!). Drop a comment!
Here are mine:
I was really really really fascinated when I did the Gender Census and actively did not select nonbinary, because that is the word I use most often or maybe it’s just the word I use most often in front of [presumed] cishet people. But my gender is really “agender” or “genderneutral” or “genderqueer” or just “queer”. It’s not _exactly_ that I don’t have a gender, it’s more that my gender is a series of play and performance and not a singular identity? I’m not sure on that, I’m going to keep poking at that one (especially because despite the sound of it, I don’t usually use the term “genderfluid”.) Anyways, my pronoun is “they”1 and my title is “mx” and both of those make me so fucking happy every time I hear someone using them.
Romantically, I am “queer” first and foremost, but I also use bisexual pretty often and gay occasionally. Historically I have been attracted to and dated men (to the point where I sometimes joke I am the worlds worst lesbian –I have kissed a substantial number of FAAB people who later do not identify as female) but in more recent years it’s been pretty clear that I am attracted to queerness, whatever that means. I date very few people who are both cis and het (and indeed, my own gender means people who seriously date me cannot be irrevocably straight.)
Romantically I am polyamorous, and aim to not be the nesting/primary partner for any of my partners. I have been known to say both “my primary partner is work” and “my primary partner is dance” and I stand by at least the latter of those. I am in five serious relationships and have a small handful of comets or flirtations, some of which seem never to go anywhere. I keep a list of everyone I’ve ever kissed/fucked/dated and sometimes put future speculation on there because I am a horrible gremlin but also at this point I am interested to find out if I have enough historical data to actually make longterm predictions.
Sexually, I am slutty. Bodies are so _so_ attractive to me, and I wind up Noticing Respectfully people just about everywhere I go, because dang, have you seen people? People are so hot. Like...so many people are so hot. I have a lot more experience and confidence with penis-based-anatomy than with vulva-based anatomy. I don’t receive PiV intercourse, and I don’t believe in orgasms as the point of sex, which means my sex sometimes looks very different from what people might think. I am kinky and like tying just about anyone up, sexually or not. I’m wired a little funny vis-a-vis pain and pleasure and what makes me happy to receive. I’m the biggest voyeur in the entire universe and absolutely want to hear about your sex life, especially if it ~looks weird~ so I can reassure you that no that’s awesome and I’m glad you have weird things that make you happy.
Fundamentally, I am Queer, in the sense of “the only truly universal queer experience is doubting you’re queer enough”. There is room under my umbrella for you, and you are welcome here with me. Community is good and there is no such thing as a “good queer” to the people who hate us, so why not just be magnificently ourselves instead?
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I have secret pronouns as well, a set of neopronouns that I am rolling around in the back of my brain to see if they ever actually amount to something good. You probably don’t know me well enough to get me to tell you what they are, especially because I haven’t quite worked out all the grammar yet. To be clear though, they are a joke, and that’s an important part of them, that they are something playful, because I could say “my gender is play” and be hardly shitposting at all.
I’d love to hear what gender/romantic/sexuality identity words you are currently using, regardless of whether you think I know them or not (and regardless of whether or not you feel they qualify under the pride umbrella! I’m interested in knowing if you’re cis and allo and het too!). Drop a comment!
Here are mine:
I was really really really fascinated when I did the Gender Census and actively did not select nonbinary, because that is the word I use most often or maybe it’s just the word I use most often in front of [presumed] cishet people. But my gender is really “agender” or “genderneutral” or “genderqueer” or just “queer”. It’s not _exactly_ that I don’t have a gender, it’s more that my gender is a series of play and performance and not a singular identity? I’m not sure on that, I’m going to keep poking at that one (especially because despite the sound of it, I don’t usually use the term “genderfluid”.) Anyways, my pronoun is “they”1 and my title is “mx” and both of those make me so fucking happy every time I hear someone using them.
Romantically, I am “queer” first and foremost, but I also use bisexual pretty often and gay occasionally. Historically I have been attracted to and dated men (to the point where I sometimes joke I am the worlds worst lesbian –I have kissed a substantial number of FAAB people who later do not identify as female) but in more recent years it’s been pretty clear that I am attracted to queerness, whatever that means. I date very few people who are both cis and het (and indeed, my own gender means people who seriously date me cannot be irrevocably straight.)
Romantically I am polyamorous, and aim to not be the nesting/primary partner for any of my partners. I have been known to say both “my primary partner is work” and “my primary partner is dance” and I stand by at least the latter of those. I am in five serious relationships and have a small handful of comets or flirtations, some of which seem never to go anywhere. I keep a list of everyone I’ve ever kissed/fucked/dated and sometimes put future speculation on there because I am a horrible gremlin but also at this point I am interested to find out if I have enough historical data to actually make longterm predictions.
Sexually, I am slutty. Bodies are so _so_ attractive to me, and I wind up Noticing Respectfully people just about everywhere I go, because dang, have you seen people? People are so hot. Like...so many people are so hot. I have a lot more experience and confidence with penis-based-anatomy than with vulva-based anatomy. I don’t receive PiV intercourse, and I don’t believe in orgasms as the point of sex, which means my sex sometimes looks very different from what people might think. I am kinky and like tying just about anyone up, sexually or not. I’m wired a little funny vis-a-vis pain and pleasure and what makes me happy to receive. I’m the biggest voyeur in the entire universe and absolutely want to hear about your sex life, especially if it ~looks weird~ so I can reassure you that no that’s awesome and I’m glad you have weird things that make you happy.
Fundamentally, I am Queer, in the sense of “the only truly universal queer experience is doubting you’re queer enough”. There is room under my umbrella for you, and you are welcome here with me. Community is good and there is no such thing as a “good queer” to the people who hate us, so why not just be magnificently ourselves instead?
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I have secret pronouns as well, a set of neopronouns that I am rolling around in the back of my brain to see if they ever actually amount to something good. You probably don’t know me well enough to get me to tell you what they are, especially because I haven’t quite worked out all the grammar yet. To be clear though, they are a joke, and that’s an important part of them, that they are something playful, because I could say “my gender is play” and be hardly shitposting at all.
no subject
on 2024-06-02 05:04 am (UTC)Cis, allo, and het are labels that work for me, though I treat them as convenient shorthands for a particular area of a multidimensional spectrum rather than boxes. (Back In The Day I often heard and sometimes used "straight, but not narrow" which seemed to cover anything from outspoken allyship to heteroflexibility.)
In gender space, I avoid a bunch of the socially accepted performance aspects of "masculinity" (many of them because I find them toxic, while others are just uninteresting to me) but OTOH I wear pants, let my facial hair grow, and don't let my (remaining) hair get too long.
Regarding attraction, "het" works in the sense of "not the same as me"; I tend to be attracted most to femmes and least to masc folks, but the "not masc" feels stronger. Romantically, I turned out to be polyamorous after suppressing it for far too long. I'm neither aro or ace, and don't think of myself as demisexual though I generally don't find people in real life attractive without some sort of emotional connection; that can be "I like hanging out with you when we get the chance" (I have some "friends with benefits" cometary relationships that are like that) or it can be a deeper romantic connection.
(Aside: your "aim to not be the nesting/primary partner for any of my partners" reminds me of my approach when I left the relationship that had had me suppressing my polyamory; I didn't want anyone to be expecting too much from me while I was still figuring out both what I wanted and what I could offer, so I said "right now I'm my primary".)
no subject
on 2024-06-02 03:06 pm (UTC)The aesthetics of masculinity do tend to be much more interesting than the suggested behaviors? I'm mostly femme-inclined, but gods do I wish I could just have a big ol' dwarf beard.
My polyam status mostly was born out of the necessity of who I was attracted to --there was a long series of people I was dating who had other partners they'd been dating longer and more seriously. I have had very few partners across the years who were not dating other people, and it's always a little weird (although not unpleasant) when it happens.
~Sor
no subject
on 2024-06-02 10:09 am (UTC)So, gender, I'm a woman. Cis-by-default; I would rather not bother with gender at all, but the least effort option for me is not to correct the fact that basically everybody reads me as female. I am sometimes a girl in my own head, I was one for a very long time. But I wouldn't invite random people to refer to me as a girl.
Pronouns: I basically go by she/her because, again, it's the least effort. I like neopronouns better than they, but if people call me they out of generally not making assumptions I'm not offended. In English I like zie/hir and in Swedish the gender neutral pronoun hen. Both sound more feminine than not but are clearly epicene. My title is Dr. If people are horribly offended by academic titles that don't mark gender, I am fine with any of Miss, Ms or Mx but hate Mrs.
I generally define myself as bi, because I'm of a generation where that's a community word and I don't feel like I need to be more specific than that. I'm sexually somewhat more attracted to men and mascs, and romantically somewhat more attracted to women, but there's no gender or absence of gender that is an automatic no. I caucus with the Queers, but bi is more my word. I'm not offended if others call me pan or gay.
Sexually: I am very interested in sex with people I like as friends and not at all sexually attracted to random strangers or celebrities. I don't think this makes me demisexual but I can see how that word might be relevant; I'm a lot more like an allosexual person than a-spec, though. I tend to have very very longstanding crushes that I basically never get over, though I try not to be annoying when it isn't reciprocated.
I like sex where the goal is mutual pleasure rather than some specific act or combination of orgasms. I am kinky in that I like intellectual creativity in sex, I'm very subby but hate humiliation and (even pretend) disrespect. I am not very masochist but I'm willing to experiment with pain as an expression of submissiveness. I like vanilla sex without any pain or power games or bondage, but I don't like "straight" sex where everything has to proceed in linear sequence culminating in PIV. Also, significantly exhibitionist, so I am taking you at your word that you want to hear about sex I'm having!
I usually say I'm in a polyam relationship, rather than that I fundamentally am polyamorous by identity. I have been happy in monogamous relationships in the past. But I've been in a stable, primary relationship with three other people for 10 years and I don't expect that to change; I don't intend to break up with my life partners and I barely have time for any other flirting or dating or sexual-romantic connections. I do have a couple of comets whom I love very much but there isn't a big difference between friends I sometimes do sex with and friends I love without that physical side. And a queerplatonic soulmate I don't have a good word for, with whom I have a connection that is not exactly romantic but is very loving and emotionally rich, and not exactly sexual but involves a lot of physical play that looks very close to sex or kink or both.
no subject
on 2024-06-02 03:24 pm (UTC)I get the "sometimes I'm a girl in my head" thing. I really like being around other queer people, because then I can refer to myself with gendered words without being worried about them getting Wrong Ideas about it1. I really do not want other people to refer to me as a girl or as a boy, or most other gendered words really. But it's okay that my babysis Alys calls me "seester".
Getting a doctorate solely so I have a gender neutral title is unfortunately not actually a good enough reason. I do lie about it on planes though, flights are one of the only spaces I've found that have _required_ me to chose from "mr/ms/miss/mrs/dr" and if that's the choices you're giving me, I'm gonna choose the one that's least untrue, so Dr Katarina [lastname] it is.
(My mother hates Mrs [lastname] with a huge passion. They'll accept Miss [firstname], especially in the girl scout context, but Mrs is just emphatically not who they are.)
Big fascinated feels about how common the "sexually into men, romantically into women" thing is, or at least, how familiar it [used to] feel to me. There's probably interesting societal commentary on that. I have brought my boyfriend2 flowers once or twice in the past, and I should do it again sometime.
I am kinky in that I like intellectual creativity in sex
THIS IS SO GOOD! And yes yes please I was not kidding, I do absolutely want to know more about this! (if you want to tell stories and don't want to tell them in public dreamwidth comments, feel free to email me -kdsorceress, gmail-- but also absolutely no obligation to follow up.)
I'm with you that humiliation is the least interesting part of submission [for me, ykinmk etc] and I especially dislike the concept of "forced feminization". I really really like ~fond~ feminization, I really like taking my partners --wherever they are on the gender spectrum-- and helping them wear makeup and do their hair and pretty skirts and being just lovely because it's fun to wear a skirt and eyeshadow and twirl around and be beautiful.
I love your description of your different relationships. I had an earlier draft of this that included something about my affection for the term "relationship anarchist" because it's so nice to not have to have specific words for people like "my housemate who is my family and I love and take care of and let them take care of me and we cuddle and rowr at each other sometimes but don't actually have a sexy relationship at all" or "my incredibly hot samebrain friend who I find deeply attractive and will exchange sexy photos with sometimes but both of us find value in having attractive friends who we aren't dating so we can kvetch occasionally about our partners"
Relationship words are hard! And bonus hard because I'm not out at work, so I just collapse everyone I'm entangled with into "friend" and hoping no one reads too hard into "my friend who stayed the weekend and made me gingerbread when they left".
~Sor
1: "I'm a very simple man but a very complex woman" is a thing I said to a cis friend of mine who went ??? at me saying "I'm a very simple man". It's one of those sentances that isn't actually true, but it very quickly communicates a lot of true things around it.
2: It's interesting that this feels clarifying to me --terrapin is my *sir* and mek is my *cali-boy* and therefore I only have one boyfriend despite dating three men.
no subject
on 2024-06-02 11:13 am (UTC)I'm a monogamous being who is between life partners and hoping to remain this way. I enjoy procreative sex but the part of me that fantasized about parthenogenesis when I was a lonely teenager who thought I'd never date is very pleased by how much my donor-conceived child looks like me. But with different chromosomes, so that's cool.
no subject
on 2024-06-02 03:34 pm (UTC)Which is all to say, "female like the planet is female" made me absolutely starry-eyed with joy. It's not the word or concept for me but I _love_ for you that you have this identity, that you can be a creator of life, a raiser of people and ideas and identities. (Maybe I have a little of that second part, as a teacher, though I know for sure pregnancy would be all the bad dysphoria all the time.)
I have a handful of friends who use "it", and I get your "don't want people to worry" but also like...sometimes that's the right one? It is fascinating to me that I will slip up and call SecurityUnit (from the Murderbot Diaries) "they" instead of "it" if I'm not paying quite enough attention, but if you want, I'd be happy to flag you as "it" in my mental codex of "how to refer to people".
"monogamous between partners and hoping to remain this way" is also so...comforting to hear that there are people living that life. My parents original house in Maryland was called The Empty City, after a short story a friend wrote of the place all the unpartnered people went to just chill out and be without having to worry about weird judgement for being single. I was raised by a number of permanent bachalors and spinsters in addition to my actual blood parents, and it was great to have Neva and Paul and Bruce as such a part of my life.
~Sor
no subject
on 2024-06-04 12:39 am (UTC)I do the poly. It's been fine and I have no intention of stopping. I think of it as a thing I do not an identity.