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Saturday accomplishments and feelings
Mar. 2nd, 2024 10:53 pmI am sad, and it sucks and I don't like it.
Some of it is the usual genocide-other-genocide-plague-climate-disaster background radiation that makes my brain constantly quietly ache. Some of it is the February-work-is-hard-burn-out-where-is-the-sun-and-the-warm background radiation that makes my body sad and tired. Some of it is slightly more immediate and pinpointable Weird-Relationship-Stuff-Where-I-Am-Probably-Not-Doing-A-Good-Enough-Job.
I am anxious and burnt-out and tired and not good enough and it's making me sad.
And I fucking hate that this has been my most productive Saturday in like a century. I put on cute makeup in the morning1. I ordered more meds. I ran a decent bells practice with only seven people, one of whom had never touched a bell before yesterday3. I socialized with old and new friends (Micah and aforementioned new ringer) and got to take the train home with them. I read an entire book4. I attended a zoom meeting for RSCDSBoston teachers and provided insights. I organized my bookshelf (a task that has been on my todo list for over a year). I did the tax.
And I'm still sad. I'm productive sad, and feel better about myself than if I was non-productive sad, probably I guess, but like. I...I don't know. There is an overwhelming amount of Still To Do, I'm not quite finished, and also the part where I'm still Not-Good-Enough so that's cool as shit.
Yesterday I got home after bells and sat up on my staircase for half an hour and cried. I made myself sad with Bad Times Daydreams, a thing I try not to actually indulge, and then I cried, and like...if I hadn't been full of the anxiety and the burnt-out and the tired I wouldn't have been tempted into it in the first place.
And it's eleven o clock at night and I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm actually listening to music5, I've already played my daily challenges of Hexcells and Necrodancer, I could read Holes which finally got released from my library holds? I should/could Grundos since I haven't today? I deserve ice cream, or to open a new set of dice or something because I did the accounts?
(I am behind on Dicember, they said, still always acutely aware of the things they Have Not Done, even several months later.)
Productive and Sad is worlds better than unable-to-do-stuff-Depressed, but it's still not joyous. And it's lack of sun and a world that wants me dead and some of that will change in the summer but maybe I am facing a universe where I'm never joyous again. It's not the best thought, though of course because I am immortal I will have to sort out how to deal with it, just like everything else.
("Perhaps I am a miscreation no one knows the truth there is no future here" plays as I write this, and hm and huh and yeah. Sometimes past!Sor made good playlists.)
Anyways, I hope you are able to be joyous. I hope you are able to be as productive as is soothing to your soul, and do not have to be more than that. I hope we can hang out soon and go to a T-station for a selfie (I have not forgotten, it is just still cold).
I love you. I mean that to me as well, even if it doesn't sound like it. I'm allowed to love sad people too, who would be left if I wasn't?
I love you.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I mean, I woke up and as I started to get dressed was hit with so much dysphoria I had to wear a binder on a non-work day, which does not happen I have gone bra-free2 and it's great. So it's less cute makeup and more _war paint_ and that's fine, I'm sure it's fine.
2: I still own a handful of "girl bras" which I wear with certain ball gowns some of the time. And I bind for work, and this year it's all real binders instead of sports bras because I made a really big gc2b order last June and now I own like eight binders instead of two. But me tiddies are wee and I like better not particularly compressing them in the day-to-day, it turns out.
3: Okay technically she also had one day of handling at Smith at some nebulous point in the past, but that doesn't count for reasons I'll decide later.
4: Wayside School is Falling Down, which may be the most iconic one, it's certainly where all the chapters I particularly remember/enjoy are: the three chapters 19, the one with Myron becoming Free, the one that's backwards, "I got one sock, looking for its brother", and Star Bringing Purple.
As an aside, the chapters 19 hit _so much different_ now that I am a teacher myself, holy wow.
5: Although it occurs to me that in my current mood, "Between" is not the correct song. What happens if we put "Space Monkey Mafia" on loud instead?
Some of it is the usual genocide-other-genocide-plague-climate-disaster background radiation that makes my brain constantly quietly ache. Some of it is the February-work-is-hard-burn-out-where-is-the-sun-and-the-warm background radiation that makes my body sad and tired. Some of it is slightly more immediate and pinpointable Weird-Relationship-Stuff-Where-I-Am-Probably-Not-Doing-A-Good-Enough-Job.
I am anxious and burnt-out and tired and not good enough and it's making me sad.
And I fucking hate that this has been my most productive Saturday in like a century. I put on cute makeup in the morning1. I ordered more meds. I ran a decent bells practice with only seven people, one of whom had never touched a bell before yesterday3. I socialized with old and new friends (Micah and aforementioned new ringer) and got to take the train home with them. I read an entire book4. I attended a zoom meeting for RSCDSBoston teachers and provided insights. I organized my bookshelf (a task that has been on my todo list for over a year). I did the tax.
And I'm still sad. I'm productive sad, and feel better about myself than if I was non-productive sad, probably I guess, but like. I...I don't know. There is an overwhelming amount of Still To Do, I'm not quite finished, and also the part where I'm still Not-Good-Enough so that's cool as shit.
Yesterday I got home after bells and sat up on my staircase for half an hour and cried. I made myself sad with Bad Times Daydreams, a thing I try not to actually indulge, and then I cried, and like...if I hadn't been full of the anxiety and the burnt-out and the tired I wouldn't have been tempted into it in the first place.
And it's eleven o clock at night and I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm actually listening to music5, I've already played my daily challenges of Hexcells and Necrodancer, I could read Holes which finally got released from my library holds? I should/could Grundos since I haven't today? I deserve ice cream, or to open a new set of dice or something because I did the accounts?
(I am behind on Dicember, they said, still always acutely aware of the things they Have Not Done, even several months later.)
Productive and Sad is worlds better than unable-to-do-stuff-Depressed, but it's still not joyous. And it's lack of sun and a world that wants me dead and some of that will change in the summer but maybe I am facing a universe where I'm never joyous again. It's not the best thought, though of course because I am immortal I will have to sort out how to deal with it, just like everything else.
("Perhaps I am a miscreation no one knows the truth there is no future here" plays as I write this, and hm and huh and yeah. Sometimes past!Sor made good playlists.)
Anyways, I hope you are able to be joyous. I hope you are able to be as productive as is soothing to your soul, and do not have to be more than that. I hope we can hang out soon and go to a T-station for a selfie (I have not forgotten, it is just still cold).
I love you. I mean that to me as well, even if it doesn't sound like it. I'm allowed to love sad people too, who would be left if I wasn't?
I love you.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I mean, I woke up and as I started to get dressed was hit with so much dysphoria I had to wear a binder on a non-work day, which does not happen I have gone bra-free2 and it's great. So it's less cute makeup and more _war paint_ and that's fine, I'm sure it's fine.
2: I still own a handful of "girl bras" which I wear with certain ball gowns some of the time. And I bind for work, and this year it's all real binders instead of sports bras because I made a really big gc2b order last June and now I own like eight binders instead of two. But me tiddies are wee and I like better not particularly compressing them in the day-to-day, it turns out.
3: Okay technically she also had one day of handling at Smith at some nebulous point in the past, but that doesn't count for reasons I'll decide later.
4: Wayside School is Falling Down, which may be the most iconic one, it's certainly where all the chapters I particularly remember/enjoy are: the three chapters 19, the one with Myron becoming Free, the one that's backwards, "I got one sock, looking for its brother", and Star Bringing Purple.
As an aside, the chapters 19 hit _so much different_ now that I am a teacher myself, holy wow.
5: Although it occurs to me that in my current mood, "Between" is not the correct song. What happens if we put "Space Monkey Mafia" on loud instead?
